Parenting Myths (Sunday's Sermon)

The earth is flat. Mankind did not land on the moon. The Jews did not suffer and die in concentration camps during World War II. Aliens have visited our world on numerous occasions, and much of the evidence is concealed in Area 51. The Illuminati is a secret society that has been in existence for hundreds of years, and want to take over the world.

Although some may believe that one or more of these are true – and may even belong to an organization like the Flat Earth Society – most of us would recognize these statements as myths or urban legends. We might be tempted to laugh at people that do believe these. Yet – as we discovered last summer in our MythBuster series – we all tend to believe a few myths – and today I’d like to examine a few about parenting.

My Children are Basically Good

- The Bible calls children a blessing and reward from the Lord, wonderfully made, a source of joy, recipients of God’s kingdom. Newborn babies (perhaps after a bit of clean up) are cute and cuddly. Their first smiles melt our hearts, their first laughs reach deep into our souls. Each developmental step brings joy. Their sincerity, their wholeheartedness, their curiosity, much of our experience with them may cause us to view them as basically good. Scripture would disagree.

- Romans 3:23 reminds us. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God”. Romans 3:10, “There is no one righteous, not even one”. Ecclesiastes 7:20 is very clear, “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.”

- We might contend that these verses are talking about adults. However, David shocks us in Psalm 51:5, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” Romans 7 & 8 remind us that each of us are born with a sinful nature, one that we cannot overcome without Jesus Christ.

- So what are the practical applications of this truth? Do I need to treat my children as filthy, rotten sinners, unworthy of anything except punishment and condemnation? Of course not. But we do need to follow God the Father’s example of parenting us, showing us love, blessing us, training us, but also disciplining us so that we follow Him more closely. And we need to be very careful of parenting or teaching programs that start with the “man is basically good” foundation, which are often long on kindness but short on practical discipline. Many of us were raised under such a philosophy, and struggle to accept God’s truth or work in our lives, living under the deception that we are good, that all we need is a break or some education, all evidence to the contrary.

My Children Don’t Require Much Discipline

- Some of our children are compliant. Some of us, due to our personalities or past experiences, hate the idea of disciplining our children. The world teaches us that spanking, stern words, allowing children to suffer the consequences of their actions and/or depriving children of something they like are all examples of child abuse, or at least poor parenting. We see images of child abuse or hear about children that are taken away from their parents. Put these factors together, and we tend to hold off.

- And our children suffer for it.

- The most perfect child in the universe was Jesus Christ. He did not have a sin nature, and did not sin. Yet Hebrews 2:10 tells us that God the Father worked with His Son while here on earth, bringing Him to perfection through suffering.

- Hebrews 12 teaches us that God disciplines all His children, just as we should ours. Proverbs 13:24 is very blunt: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Proverbs 23:14 reminds us that discipline saves a child’s soul from death. Need I continue?

- So, discipline your children. Utilize a variety of methods that are in accordance with His word (I don’t recommend thumb screws or screaming at the top of your lungs!). Keep it private (as God often does with us, see Matthew 18), keep it loving, avoid selfish anger or motivations whenever possible. But discipline!

I Need to Be Totally Involved in My Children’s Lives

- I wish to publicly thank H. Norman Wright for sharing this in his book, “The Power of a Parent’s Words.” His point is that some parents over-involve themselves in their children’s lives, making them the center of attention every day, living their lives out through them, burning themselves out. He suggests that we may believe this myth if we:

** Insist that our child eat everything on his plate
** Restrict our child from some activities because we’re afraid they might get hurt
** Dress our child, tie his shoes, do other things from him/her that they are capable of doing themselves
** Continue to remind our child or teen to wear warm clothes on a cold day
** Regularly do homework for the child
** Give child no household responsibilities
** Walk an older child to school every day
** Have our lives dominated by external, child-centered activities
** Don’t allow others to care for or baby-sit the child
** Only allow our teens to spend time with friends we select from them
** Always pick up after the child, including his room

- I tell you, one or two of these got my attention – and I’m not sure they’re all true. The list certainly is not scripture, but it does make us think.

- Proper balance is found in a passage we studied a few weeks back, Deuteronomy 6:4-9. Love God passionately first (not make idols of our children), keep His word on our hearts. Teach our children about Him and His word as we’re on our way (not necessarily theirs) – as we sit together at home, as we walk on the road, as we get up and go to bed. This doesn’t mean we can’t have special activities for them, rather, that our lives cannot be dominated by 7x24 parenting, running ourselves (and them) into the ground.

I Need to Protect My Children from Bad Circumstances

- I want to be very careful here. This myth contains much truth. We do need to protect our children from people who would harm and exploit them, from circumstances that they are too young to understand or too weak to handle. We’re probably all agreed here.

- But we can become overprotective, particularly with older children and teens. One of the ways to learn is to suffer the consequences of a bad decision. As we noted earlier, God taught His Son through difficult circumstances & suffering. Sometimes we hold a child back from going to a funeral, but do they need to learn about death? Sometimes we keep children away from sickness and suffering, but will they then avoid suffering family and friends when they get older? Sometimes we’re scared to let them go on a missions trip, will they then learn to avoid adventures of faith later in life? Sometimes we bail a teenager or young adult child out of self-caused financial problems, will they then learn to depend on bailouts (corporate or otherwise) later in life? Such questions require wisdom, and don’t have 100% answers. James 1:5 reminds us that, if we lack wisdom, we can ask God and He will supply it. Sometimes God is teaching our children through difficult circumstances, and we’re standing in His way.

I Am Totally Responsible for My Child

- Here’s a myth that many parents believe, frankly, it’s almost instinctive. We tend to internally believe – although it sounds a bit strong or absurd when we state it aloud – that a child’s success or failure depends entirely on our parenting.

- The myth is reinforced by our viewpoint that Proverbs 22:6, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it” – is a divine guarantee – we do our job, and all our children will turn out.

- Let me ask a few questions. What happened to a child’s freedom of will? What happened to adult children’s choices as they move away from home? What happened to the sin nature that each of us has? What happened to the viewpoint that Proverbs 22:6 may be a general principle, rather than a universal promise? What happened to God the Father’s (the perfect parent, if there ever was one) parenting of Adam and Eve, and the whole human race in general?

- There is a part of this myth that is true: if we parent poorly, our children certainly can be impacted. If we have sinned against our children, particularly over a significant period of time, we need to deal with it by confession and repentance, to God and to them. If they are still home, we need to change directions in our parenting approaches, moving away from selfishness and pride.

- But then we need to move through the guilt, through the frustration, through the self-condemnation into the freedom and peace that God gives. We need to realize that our children also have responsibility, and need to be interacted with accordingly.


Don’t take my word for it, examine scripture, discover how God wants you to parent. Don’t just believe what you were taught, or what you picked up along the way. Allow myths to fall by the wayside. Proactively parent. Let’s pray.

Questions

As I was studying for Sunday's sermon & discipleship class, wandered off a bit. Read about a number of Christian singer's divorces, and Ray Boltz's coming out about his homosexuality.

This led me to wonder, should we listen to songs sung by those who have experienced significant moral failures? Does it matter whether they recorded them before or after the failure? Does it matter whether they've publicly repented or not? What do you think?

This is not necessarily a modern question, for example, "It is Well with My Soul" has a later negative story as well.

Thanks.

Disabled and Loved

There is an exquisite story in 2 Samuel 9.

David, probably thinking of his past strong friendship with King Saul’s son, Jonathan, wonders aloud whether any of Saul’s relatives remain that he could show kindness to. Through one of Saul’s former servants, he learns about Mephibosheth, Jonathan’s son, crippled in both feet. He calls Mephibosheth in, return’s Saul’s lands to him, and invites him to partake at the royal table like any of the king’s sons. Mephibosheth is overwhelmed.

This story succeeds at many levels:

David’s compassion towards a former enemy’s family (standard policy at this point was to eliminate all potential rivals to the throne, not bless them)

David’s compassion towards the disabled. No matter how many policies and regulations are set up, no matter how “enlightened” a culture becomes, disabled/disadvantaged people are often treated poorly or ignored.

Mephibosheth’s humility, but acceptance of the royal gifts. Please read the passage for more details.

Parallels to the Christian experience. We are all sinners, all disabled by our sin, all enemies of God before salvation; God not only saves us from our sin and situation but also blesses us abundantly and invites us to the table as one of His children, His royal princes. Totally undeserved grace needing to be totally accepted.

Have a great week reveling in His goodness!

Thanks

I simply want to give thanks to the Lord and to all who were involved in Easter Sunday preparations and service. It was an outstanding time of worship unto the Lord.

(And 451 in attendance - perhaps our largest number ever - didn't hurt either!)

Rights

I seriously wonder if we have "rights" - and if we do - whether we should stand up for them.

Jesus certainly didn't emphasize his rights on the way to the cross. The Sermon on the Mount consistently teaches us that we will be presumed upon (Matthew 5:30) and persecuted (5:10), without any mention of defending ourselves. I Corinthians 6 talks about lawsuits among brothers and sisters in Christ, verse seven is very plain: "The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated." And Romans 12 urges us not to take revenge, that such justice is God's business.

We certainly have God's promises, and He has given us an incredible standing/position in Christ Jesus. We are certainly to defend others, particularly the poor & oppressed. But stand for our own personal rights? I'm very doubtful (imho).

Creation?

Why did God create:

* Chocolate
* Ardvaarks
* Star-nosed moles
* Bombardier beetles
* The Grand Canyon
* Six million colors
* Diverse people with all our foibles?

Parenting, "Mission Possible"

Sunday's Parenting Message:

Remember the Mission Impossible movies and old TV shows? The world would be threatened by a major crisis, an IMF team would be assembled, and our hero would receive his mission briefing through some technological marvel, like talking sunglasses. Of course, it was always important to get rid of that technical marvel before it self-destructed.

Today’s passage was part of Israel’s mission briefing. Moses was preparing them to attack and occupy Canaan, building God’s kingdom in the Holy Land. Successful, long term occupation required training their children well, on of the focuses of this passage.

Read Deuteronomy 6:1-9

There are few guarantees in our parenting. However – in this age with so much conflicting Christian and non-Christian parenting information & advice available – perhaps we need to hear this mission briefing again. Perhaps we need to hear and heed its simplicity. Perhaps we need to know that parenting is “Mission Possible”.

Hear

You are the bus driver. At the first stop four people are picked up, one with a Twins hat. At the second stop 15 people are picked up, three are wearing Vikings hats, and 12 are dropped off as it starts to rain. At the third stop two people are picked up, one wearing a Green Bay Packers hat – he gets booed – just as the snow starts. At the fourth stop the Packers fan is kicked off into a snowbank. At the final stop everyone else is let off to watch the game. Key question: how old is the bus driver?

Hearing, listening is like that. We do not retain everything we hear. We probably shouldn’t, our brains would fill up very quickly. We need to sort through information, only retaining what is important. Problem is, our listening filter has been impacted by sin, selfishness, and boredom, and we miss what we need to hear.

God’s word requires acute, intense listening. James 1:22-25 (on screen) is very poignant here. We must look intently into the mirror of His words, learn about ourselves, then act upon it to truly retain it. If you walked into your bathroom this morning, noted carefully that your hair, teeth and beard needed to be taken care of, then walked away and drove to church – you’d be embarrassed. Action is required.

If we expect our children to hear us, we must hear our Parent, our Father. Moses called his people to hear this entire presentation, but his first priority was for them to hear about God. He was their God, He’d entered into covenant relationship with them. He was one – which doesn’t hit us initially as significant – but was very significant to a fledgling, God-following culture that was surrounded, no buried in multiple gods and idolatrous cultures. Each country, in some cases each city they would travel to had a different god or whole pantheon of gods. Some of them were very appealing, such as gods who blessed crops or fertility. Frankly, our culture today is filled with a variety of idols, some “gods” and some not, and we need to hear, remember and swear allegiance to the one true God.

Love

Then, as followers of the one God, as parents, we are to love Him.

At one level this passage is very disturbing. We are commanded to love God; and not just superficially, but with our whole beings. We could easily become offended here. How can God command us to love Him? Where is the free will, the choice in that? Isn’t love an act of the will?

But let’s think a little deeper here. God commands us to love our spouses, and that seems reasonable. God commands us to love our children, and that seems reasonable. We command our children to love each other, and that’s reasonable. Historically, many cultures had parents pick out spouses for their children, then command them to love each other, and it often worked.

Commands do not limit choices, they clarify them. We either obey and love God, or we don’t. And He holds up the difficult standard of “complete self” love so that we realize that lukewarm, occasional love is really not love at all.

There was an interesting parenting study done. It revealed that most young adults who follow Jesus either come from non-Christian homes where they were converted to Christ in their teenage years, or they come from homes where mom and dad’s love for Jesus permeated their lives. Very few young adult believers came from homes where there was an indifferent, apathetic commitment to Christ. As Jesus said in Revelation, He wants us either hot or cold. He can work with either. He doesn’t work with lukewarm.

Want your children to follow God? Listen to Him intently, and love Him wholly. They’ll catch on.

Know

Parents often complain that they don’t know enough about God and His commands to teach their children well. Occasionally this may be true. You might not yet be a Christian – or you might be a new Christian – or perhaps you have a learning disability. To you I would say, start with what you hear here on Sundays. That’s all Moses was asking the Jews to do in Deuteronomy 6.

However - if you’ve been a Christian for a while and still don’t feel you know enough – I would ask you to check your heart. Are you listening intently? Are you lukewarm, apathetic, not really interested in God and His word (be honest)? Have you fallen into religious habits that hamper your relationship with God? If so, today would be a good day to repent, to confess your heart attitudes to the Lord, seek His forgiveness, and allow Him to start you fresh, give you a “do over”. It’s what He’s good at.

Do note that these commands are to be heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. God’s word takes time to filter from head down to the heart, taking thought, emotion, wrestling, and application.

Share

We’re near the end of the message and haven’t talked about parenting methods. This was very intentional. It reflects the passage. Parenting is less about methods and more about parents’ hearts. If our hearts hear, love and know God, then methods will follow.

The two methods discussed here are repeat, and illustrate.

Repeat – use every natural, relational opportunity that comes along. When you stop together, talk about God and His word. When you walk together, do the same. Hearts are often open at the beginning and end of the day. Use those opportunities.

Note that these opportunities are intentional, but not overly structured. If God and His word are on your heart, you will want to share during appropriate opportunities. Do so, intentionally. This doesn’t preclude devotional times – they can work as well – but if you’re struggling with establishing family devotions, start with what’s commanded – then see if more is required.

That’s the audio, there’s also the visual. In the Jewish culture phylacteries and mezuzahs worked well – tying them on the hands and putting them on the gates – in our culture there are multiple opportunities to illustrate God and His word through sight. Pictures, scripture verses, computer graphics, videos, figures, etc. – the opportunities are endless. In our home the visual that most grabs my attention is a stylized cup and dish that signifies the Lord’s Supper – which reminds me of His death for us – hardly ever fails to stir me.


Parenting. Mission Impossible, or Mission Possible? While remembering that there are few guarantees, and that our children will sometimes exercise their wills in the wrong direction, we can become better parents by following this simple approach. Hear God’s word deeply. Love Him wholly. Know Him and His word at the heart level. Then share – utilize the natural, relational, frequent opportunities that come along – both serendipitously and intentionally. Let’s pray.