Why did God create:
* Chocolate
* Ardvaarks
* Star-nosed moles
* Bombardier beetles
* The Grand Canyon
* Six million colors
* Diverse people with all our foibles?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Parenting, "Mission Possible"
Sunday's Parenting Message:
Remember the Mission Impossible movies and old TV shows? The world would be threatened by a major crisis, an IMF team would be assembled, and our hero would receive his mission briefing through some technological marvel, like talking sunglasses. Of course, it was always important to get rid of that technical marvel before it self-destructed.
Today’s passage was part of Israel’s mission briefing. Moses was preparing them to attack and occupy Canaan, building God’s kingdom in the Holy Land. Successful, long term occupation required training their children well, on of the focuses of this passage.
Read Deuteronomy 6:1-9
There are few guarantees in our parenting. However – in this age with so much conflicting Christian and non-Christian parenting information & advice available – perhaps we need to hear this mission briefing again. Perhaps we need to hear and heed its simplicity. Perhaps we need to know that parenting is “Mission Possible”.
Hear
You are the bus driver. At the first stop four people are picked up, one with a Twins hat. At the second stop 15 people are picked up, three are wearing Vikings hats, and 12 are dropped off as it starts to rain. At the third stop two people are picked up, one wearing a Green Bay Packers hat – he gets booed – just as the snow starts. At the fourth stop the Packers fan is kicked off into a snowbank. At the final stop everyone else is let off to watch the game. Key question: how old is the bus driver?
Hearing, listening is like that. We do not retain everything we hear. We probably shouldn’t, our brains would fill up very quickly. We need to sort through information, only retaining what is important. Problem is, our listening filter has been impacted by sin, selfishness, and boredom, and we miss what we need to hear.
God’s word requires acute, intense listening. James 1:22-25 (on screen) is very poignant here. We must look intently into the mirror of His words, learn about ourselves, then act upon it to truly retain it. If you walked into your bathroom this morning, noted carefully that your hair, teeth and beard needed to be taken care of, then walked away and drove to church – you’d be embarrassed. Action is required.
If we expect our children to hear us, we must hear our Parent, our Father. Moses called his people to hear this entire presentation, but his first priority was for them to hear about God. He was their God, He’d entered into covenant relationship with them. He was one – which doesn’t hit us initially as significant – but was very significant to a fledgling, God-following culture that was surrounded, no buried in multiple gods and idolatrous cultures. Each country, in some cases each city they would travel to had a different god or whole pantheon of gods. Some of them were very appealing, such as gods who blessed crops or fertility. Frankly, our culture today is filled with a variety of idols, some “gods” and some not, and we need to hear, remember and swear allegiance to the one true God.
Love
Then, as followers of the one God, as parents, we are to love Him.
At one level this passage is very disturbing. We are commanded to love God; and not just superficially, but with our whole beings. We could easily become offended here. How can God command us to love Him? Where is the free will, the choice in that? Isn’t love an act of the will?
But let’s think a little deeper here. God commands us to love our spouses, and that seems reasonable. God commands us to love our children, and that seems reasonable. We command our children to love each other, and that’s reasonable. Historically, many cultures had parents pick out spouses for their children, then command them to love each other, and it often worked.
Commands do not limit choices, they clarify them. We either obey and love God, or we don’t. And He holds up the difficult standard of “complete self” love so that we realize that lukewarm, occasional love is really not love at all.
There was an interesting parenting study done. It revealed that most young adults who follow Jesus either come from non-Christian homes where they were converted to Christ in their teenage years, or they come from homes where mom and dad’s love for Jesus permeated their lives. Very few young adult believers came from homes where there was an indifferent, apathetic commitment to Christ. As Jesus said in Revelation, He wants us either hot or cold. He can work with either. He doesn’t work with lukewarm.
Want your children to follow God? Listen to Him intently, and love Him wholly. They’ll catch on.
Know
Parents often complain that they don’t know enough about God and His commands to teach their children well. Occasionally this may be true. You might not yet be a Christian – or you might be a new Christian – or perhaps you have a learning disability. To you I would say, start with what you hear here on Sundays. That’s all Moses was asking the Jews to do in Deuteronomy 6.
However - if you’ve been a Christian for a while and still don’t feel you know enough – I would ask you to check your heart. Are you listening intently? Are you lukewarm, apathetic, not really interested in God and His word (be honest)? Have you fallen into religious habits that hamper your relationship with God? If so, today would be a good day to repent, to confess your heart attitudes to the Lord, seek His forgiveness, and allow Him to start you fresh, give you a “do over”. It’s what He’s good at.
Do note that these commands are to be heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. God’s word takes time to filter from head down to the heart, taking thought, emotion, wrestling, and application.
Share
We’re near the end of the message and haven’t talked about parenting methods. This was very intentional. It reflects the passage. Parenting is less about methods and more about parents’ hearts. If our hearts hear, love and know God, then methods will follow.
The two methods discussed here are repeat, and illustrate.
Repeat – use every natural, relational opportunity that comes along. When you stop together, talk about God and His word. When you walk together, do the same. Hearts are often open at the beginning and end of the day. Use those opportunities.
Note that these opportunities are intentional, but not overly structured. If God and His word are on your heart, you will want to share during appropriate opportunities. Do so, intentionally. This doesn’t preclude devotional times – they can work as well – but if you’re struggling with establishing family devotions, start with what’s commanded – then see if more is required.
That’s the audio, there’s also the visual. In the Jewish culture phylacteries and mezuzahs worked well – tying them on the hands and putting them on the gates – in our culture there are multiple opportunities to illustrate God and His word through sight. Pictures, scripture verses, computer graphics, videos, figures, etc. – the opportunities are endless. In our home the visual that most grabs my attention is a stylized cup and dish that signifies the Lord’s Supper – which reminds me of His death for us – hardly ever fails to stir me.
Parenting. Mission Impossible, or Mission Possible? While remembering that there are few guarantees, and that our children will sometimes exercise their wills in the wrong direction, we can become better parents by following this simple approach. Hear God’s word deeply. Love Him wholly. Know Him and His word at the heart level. Then share – utilize the natural, relational, frequent opportunities that come along – both serendipitously and intentionally. Let’s pray.
Remember the Mission Impossible movies and old TV shows? The world would be threatened by a major crisis, an IMF team would be assembled, and our hero would receive his mission briefing through some technological marvel, like talking sunglasses. Of course, it was always important to get rid of that technical marvel before it self-destructed.
Today’s passage was part of Israel’s mission briefing. Moses was preparing them to attack and occupy Canaan, building God’s kingdom in the Holy Land. Successful, long term occupation required training their children well, on of the focuses of this passage.
Read Deuteronomy 6:1-9
There are few guarantees in our parenting. However – in this age with so much conflicting Christian and non-Christian parenting information & advice available – perhaps we need to hear this mission briefing again. Perhaps we need to hear and heed its simplicity. Perhaps we need to know that parenting is “Mission Possible”.
Hear
You are the bus driver. At the first stop four people are picked up, one with a Twins hat. At the second stop 15 people are picked up, three are wearing Vikings hats, and 12 are dropped off as it starts to rain. At the third stop two people are picked up, one wearing a Green Bay Packers hat – he gets booed – just as the snow starts. At the fourth stop the Packers fan is kicked off into a snowbank. At the final stop everyone else is let off to watch the game. Key question: how old is the bus driver?
Hearing, listening is like that. We do not retain everything we hear. We probably shouldn’t, our brains would fill up very quickly. We need to sort through information, only retaining what is important. Problem is, our listening filter has been impacted by sin, selfishness, and boredom, and we miss what we need to hear.
God’s word requires acute, intense listening. James 1:22-25 (on screen) is very poignant here. We must look intently into the mirror of His words, learn about ourselves, then act upon it to truly retain it. If you walked into your bathroom this morning, noted carefully that your hair, teeth and beard needed to be taken care of, then walked away and drove to church – you’d be embarrassed. Action is required.
If we expect our children to hear us, we must hear our Parent, our Father. Moses called his people to hear this entire presentation, but his first priority was for them to hear about God. He was their God, He’d entered into covenant relationship with them. He was one – which doesn’t hit us initially as significant – but was very significant to a fledgling, God-following culture that was surrounded, no buried in multiple gods and idolatrous cultures. Each country, in some cases each city they would travel to had a different god or whole pantheon of gods. Some of them were very appealing, such as gods who blessed crops or fertility. Frankly, our culture today is filled with a variety of idols, some “gods” and some not, and we need to hear, remember and swear allegiance to the one true God.
Love
Then, as followers of the one God, as parents, we are to love Him.
At one level this passage is very disturbing. We are commanded to love God; and not just superficially, but with our whole beings. We could easily become offended here. How can God command us to love Him? Where is the free will, the choice in that? Isn’t love an act of the will?
But let’s think a little deeper here. God commands us to love our spouses, and that seems reasonable. God commands us to love our children, and that seems reasonable. We command our children to love each other, and that’s reasonable. Historically, many cultures had parents pick out spouses for their children, then command them to love each other, and it often worked.
Commands do not limit choices, they clarify them. We either obey and love God, or we don’t. And He holds up the difficult standard of “complete self” love so that we realize that lukewarm, occasional love is really not love at all.
There was an interesting parenting study done. It revealed that most young adults who follow Jesus either come from non-Christian homes where they were converted to Christ in their teenage years, or they come from homes where mom and dad’s love for Jesus permeated their lives. Very few young adult believers came from homes where there was an indifferent, apathetic commitment to Christ. As Jesus said in Revelation, He wants us either hot or cold. He can work with either. He doesn’t work with lukewarm.
Want your children to follow God? Listen to Him intently, and love Him wholly. They’ll catch on.
Know
Parents often complain that they don’t know enough about God and His commands to teach their children well. Occasionally this may be true. You might not yet be a Christian – or you might be a new Christian – or perhaps you have a learning disability. To you I would say, start with what you hear here on Sundays. That’s all Moses was asking the Jews to do in Deuteronomy 6.
However - if you’ve been a Christian for a while and still don’t feel you know enough – I would ask you to check your heart. Are you listening intently? Are you lukewarm, apathetic, not really interested in God and His word (be honest)? Have you fallen into religious habits that hamper your relationship with God? If so, today would be a good day to repent, to confess your heart attitudes to the Lord, seek His forgiveness, and allow Him to start you fresh, give you a “do over”. It’s what He’s good at.
Do note that these commands are to be heart knowledge, not just head knowledge. God’s word takes time to filter from head down to the heart, taking thought, emotion, wrestling, and application.
Share
We’re near the end of the message and haven’t talked about parenting methods. This was very intentional. It reflects the passage. Parenting is less about methods and more about parents’ hearts. If our hearts hear, love and know God, then methods will follow.
The two methods discussed here are repeat, and illustrate.
Repeat – use every natural, relational opportunity that comes along. When you stop together, talk about God and His word. When you walk together, do the same. Hearts are often open at the beginning and end of the day. Use those opportunities.
Note that these opportunities are intentional, but not overly structured. If God and His word are on your heart, you will want to share during appropriate opportunities. Do so, intentionally. This doesn’t preclude devotional times – they can work as well – but if you’re struggling with establishing family devotions, start with what’s commanded – then see if more is required.
That’s the audio, there’s also the visual. In the Jewish culture phylacteries and mezuzahs worked well – tying them on the hands and putting them on the gates – in our culture there are multiple opportunities to illustrate God and His word through sight. Pictures, scripture verses, computer graphics, videos, figures, etc. – the opportunities are endless. In our home the visual that most grabs my attention is a stylized cup and dish that signifies the Lord’s Supper – which reminds me of His death for us – hardly ever fails to stir me.
Parenting. Mission Impossible, or Mission Possible? While remembering that there are few guarantees, and that our children will sometimes exercise their wills in the wrong direction, we can become better parents by following this simple approach. Hear God’s word deeply. Love Him wholly. Know Him and His word at the heart level. Then share – utilize the natural, relational, frequent opportunities that come along – both serendipitously and intentionally. Let’s pray.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Faith Christian School Article
Best Kept Secret
Take 169 north to Milaca, head west on 23. Don’t miss the 160th Avenue exit (they recently paved the road). Drive past the agricultural fields, you’ll be surprised to find a schoolhouse and gymnasium on your left.
Enter through the door with the “visitor register at the office” sign. The office is just to your left, say “hi” to Chris at the front desk. Meet Kay, the administrator.
You have entered Faith Christian School, perhaps the best kept academic secret in the area.
You’ll be surprised to learn that:
* The school serves K4 through 12th grade
* The student to teacher ratio is often under ten to one
* The students typically score higher than the state average on their ACT’s – even through every student takes the ACT (unlike public schools)
* On a recent sampling of 180 sub-tests, only three were under the 50% mark
* Despite the small size of the school (80-120 students), they regularly field successful basketball, volleyball and soccer teams
* Their students are active in community service, including recently sandbagging over in the Fargo flood area
* Parents manage the school through an elected board, administrator and volunteer service
* Students are , on the main, polite, courteous, respectful – but also curious and creative
* Students come from Milaca, Princeton, Zimmerman, Foley and surrounding areas – buses are available from Milaca and Princeton.
Interested? Contact the school at 320-294-5501 or administrator@FCSSaints.com
Take 169 north to Milaca, head west on 23. Don’t miss the 160th Avenue exit (they recently paved the road). Drive past the agricultural fields, you’ll be surprised to find a schoolhouse and gymnasium on your left.
Enter through the door with the “visitor register at the office” sign. The office is just to your left, say “hi” to Chris at the front desk. Meet Kay, the administrator.
You have entered Faith Christian School, perhaps the best kept academic secret in the area.
You’ll be surprised to learn that:
* The school serves K4 through 12th grade
* The student to teacher ratio is often under ten to one
* The students typically score higher than the state average on their ACT’s – even through every student takes the ACT (unlike public schools)
* On a recent sampling of 180 sub-tests, only three were under the 50% mark
* Despite the small size of the school (80-120 students), they regularly field successful basketball, volleyball and soccer teams
* Their students are active in community service, including recently sandbagging over in the Fargo flood area
* Parents manage the school through an elected board, administrator and volunteer service
* Students are , on the main, polite, courteous, respectful – but also curious and creative
* Students come from Milaca, Princeton, Zimmerman, Foley and surrounding areas – buses are available from Milaca and Princeton.
Interested? Contact the school at 320-294-5501 or administrator@FCSSaints.com
Monday, March 23, 2009
Rest
“By the seventh day God had finished the work He had been doing, so on the seventh day He rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it He rested from all the work of creating that He had done.” Genesis 2:2-3
“Six days shall you labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, not you animals, nor the alien within your gates.” Exodus 20:8-10
“Be still, and know that I am God….” Psalm 46:10
“There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God, for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from His.” Hebrews 4:9-10
We have been working our way through marriage and family principles on Sunday morning. Family relationships are complex activities – requiring application of a number of truths to remain healthy – but if I was only allowed to address one, it would be this: Rest.
Endless activity needs to be exposed for what it is: addictive sin. God built us to rest. Relationships require rest. Knowing God requires rest. Working well requires rest and renewal. Our bodies break down, our marriages break down, our kids break down, and we think adding one more activity might solve the situation….
Stop!
Build in margin before it’s too late. Remember our marriage principle: you can change yourself, but only influence others. Start with yourself. Delete an activity (or three). Provide an example to your family. Talk to them about slowing down. Allow change to happen slowly.
God speaks in the stillness (I Kings 19:11-12), but can rarely reach the harried and hasty.
Blessings!
Pastor Al
“Six days shall you labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, not you animals, nor the alien within your gates.” Exodus 20:8-10
“Be still, and know that I am God….” Psalm 46:10
“There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God, for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from His.” Hebrews 4:9-10
We have been working our way through marriage and family principles on Sunday morning. Family relationships are complex activities – requiring application of a number of truths to remain healthy – but if I was only allowed to address one, it would be this: Rest.
Endless activity needs to be exposed for what it is: addictive sin. God built us to rest. Relationships require rest. Knowing God requires rest. Working well requires rest and renewal. Our bodies break down, our marriages break down, our kids break down, and we think adding one more activity might solve the situation….
Stop!
Build in margin before it’s too late. Remember our marriage principle: you can change yourself, but only influence others. Start with yourself. Delete an activity (or three). Provide an example to your family. Talk to them about slowing down. Allow change to happen slowly.
God speaks in the stillness (I Kings 19:11-12), but can rarely reach the harried and hasty.
Blessings!
Pastor Al
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Prayer
Would appreciate prayer as I head down to Madison & spend time with family the next few days (for traveling, good opportunities to relate, connect with those I should in a short time, etc.).
Interesting that God knows exactly what will happen - in the next few days and throughout history - yet still asks us to pray - and He responds. Bit of a mystery, there.
Interesting that God knows exactly what will happen - in the next few days and throughout history - yet still asks us to pray - and He responds. Bit of a mystery, there.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Birds and Ministry
(From a thread on a birding listserv, discussing "nemesis birds", ones birders have never seen)
Painted Bunting
Have honestly only had two shots at them (they are unusual in Minnesota, we might have one annually) - once in Corkscrew Swamp during a business trip - and the other is a bit of a story:
Had a business trip scheduled to Savannah, GA in mid-September. Discovered a local guide (through Birdchat), hired her for a full day birding in the area, including chasing Painted Buntings (despite loss of colorful plumage by then).
Two days before leaving, planes crashed into strategic buildings. The meeting was - eventually - cancelled. The horror, the loss of life, the long term implications made my small loss (initially, a trip and a bird; eventually, the loss of my business as the economy reeled) totally insignificant.
Yet, for me, 9/11 and Painted Buntings are inseparably, symbolically connected.
As are Painted Buntings and my move into full time ministry (transitioned from bivocational to ministry only).
And still, I have never seen one.
Painted Bunting
Have honestly only had two shots at them (they are unusual in Minnesota, we might have one annually) - once in Corkscrew Swamp during a business trip - and the other is a bit of a story:
Had a business trip scheduled to Savannah, GA in mid-September. Discovered a local guide (through Birdchat), hired her for a full day birding in the area, including chasing Painted Buntings (despite loss of colorful plumage by then).
Two days before leaving, planes crashed into strategic buildings. The meeting was - eventually - cancelled. The horror, the loss of life, the long term implications made my small loss (initially, a trip and a bird; eventually, the loss of my business as the economy reeled) totally insignificant.
Yet, for me, 9/11 and Painted Buntings are inseparably, symbolically connected.
As are Painted Buntings and my move into full time ministry (transitioned from bivocational to ministry only).
And still, I have never seen one.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Easter
Resurrection
It had happened before
Son of an infertile marriage
Son of a poor widow
Daughter of a distressed ruler
Brother of despairing sisters
It would happen again
Hardworking widow
Snoozing window-dweller
But not like this
Not submerged in scorn and sin
Not guarded by the empire
Not so very alone
Author of life, dead
Creator of earth, buried
Lover of hope, hapless
Scene over
But …early one morning
Couple of guards
Couple of women
Couple of disciples
Couple of angels
And one very risen
Savior
It had happened before
Son of an infertile marriage
Son of a poor widow
Daughter of a distressed ruler
Brother of despairing sisters
It would happen again
Hardworking widow
Snoozing window-dweller
But not like this
Not submerged in scorn and sin
Not guarded by the empire
Not so very alone
Author of life, dead
Creator of earth, buried
Lover of hope, hapless
Scene over
But …early one morning
Couple of guards
Couple of women
Couple of disciples
Couple of angels
And one very risen
Savior
Friday, March 13, 2009
Toxic Marriages
Sermon notes for Sunday:
Toxic Marriages & Relationships
PCB’s, or Polychlorinated Biphenyls, were used in the manufacturing of electrical utility equipment, coolants, lubricants, additives, coatings, fluids, sealants, adhesives, paints and other essentials for an industrial nation like the United States. Over time we discovered that they were serious water and soil pollutants that caused cancer and other health problems, and they’ve been banned in the United States since the 1970’s.
Although they still linger in the environment, there are a number of methods to deal with them – incineration, ultrasound, irradiation, release of microbes, chemical processes and others. The methods are often expensive; but then, so is cancer.
And nature can be reclaimed. One of my personal favorite wildlife areas – and a leading birding and hiking spot in Wisconsin – is Nine Springs, an urban wildlife refuge that was once a wastewater area filled with PCB’s. There are environmental success stories that overcome our ability to ignorantly or knowingly poison our environment – as there are success stories of toxic marriages & relationships recovering.
Toxic marriages are relationships that have been poisoned by one or both partners. Today I want to take a biblical and practical look at some of these toxins, then suggest some approaches to help cope with them and remediate – even save – our marriages. These thoughts should also be helpful in other important, close relationships.
Toxins
Toxic Communication
- Manipulating & Controlling
We have God-given needs. As sinners, we often take selfish approaches to fulfill those needs. And, seated across from us, is the perfect person to meet those needs. But they fail to realize the high importance of meeting our needs, because they also struggle with their needs and selfishness. Problems arise. So we learn to manipulate & control our spouse, or at least attempt to.
This manipulation and control may be very subtle, or very obvious. Genesis 3:1-5 shows the first manipulative conversation; Satan got Eve to do what he wanted done. Judges 16 highlights how Delilah used sensuality and controlling words to bring Samson down (read verses 4-22). Some of this may sound familiar. Don’t just blame Delilah here, Samson was using her for his own needs as well.
We become expert in using tone of voice, words, guilt and other approaches to manipulate our spouse. Shame on us! Christ has set them free – they have willing entered the marriage relationship to love, cherish, respect us – and we use them. We need to turn from this!
- Verbal Attacks
Life is frustrating. Frustration leads bitterness, anger, even rage. We feel we must unload on somebody. There they are, sitting near us at the breakfast table. Kaboom!
They may not even have been the source of frustration, but something they said, something they did, some way they looked at us touched the top of the seething caldron, and out it came. Then this one event becomes a pattern. Gradually we wear the spouse – and ourselves – down until our marriage is in the same need of remediation that the wastewater plant/natural area was that I described. Proverbs 27:15-16 describes this colorfully. Colossians 3:19 warns husbands to avoid the trap of harshness, of angry verbal attacks.
- Silent Treatment
This practice may start out honorably. We may choose to not respond hastily or angrily to our spouse. Over time, however, we discover that silence can be as powerful as words. Silence works. The spouse may break down and meet our needs – or he/she might leave us alone – or they may become frustrated as well, giving our anger a perverse pleasure.
Silence in scripture is often a positive – as a spiritual discipline to seek God – as a good response to another’s attack (like Jesus with those who wanted to crucify Him) – but in marriage, it should be used sparingly. Rather, as Ephesians 4:15 encourages, we must speak the truth in love to each other. Not just the truth. Not just love. But both.
Abuse
- Verbal Abuse
This is virtually the same as the verbal attacks we just discussed. I just want us to be aware that sustained, prolonged verbal attacks become abuse, and we injure our spouse in very similar ways, sometimes even more deeply, than physical abuse.
- Physical Abuse
God hates inappropriate violence. Read Genesis 6:11-13 and Malachi 2:14-16. He judged the world through the Genesis flood because they had become so violent in their sinfulness. And, in the classic passage about how much God hates divorce, we see that He hates marital violence as well. If you hit your spouse, either through loss of emotional control or to get them to bend to your wishes, you and your marriage have serious issues with strong legal, relational and religious overtones. A time of confession, repentance, and counseling is absolutely necessary – and perhaps a determined time of separation.
- Sexual Abuse
This area is a bit different. Sexual abuse often occurred in a person’s childhood or teenage years, and causes relational difficulties in the marriage. Sometimes there was premarital rape. If you or your spouse was sexually abused before marriage, please allow me to recommend the book, “Desperate Marriages” by Gary Chapman (same guy who wrote “The Five Love Languages”), and I would recommend Christian counseling as well.
Infidelity
- Physical Adultery
We are bombarded with sexual images in our culture, and there’s no sign of decrease. Television and Internet shows often depict the joys of extra-marital affairs, of discovering someone who meets your needs outside the marriage. Then you meet that someone – and, as depicted in the excellent movie “Fireproof” – you gradually give yourself away.
Stop! That’s a dead end. It’s a spiritual killer. God devotes whole chapters in Proverbs to the destruction that will come, and he warns us in I Corinthians 6 and elsewhere that it will have eternal ramifications. We sin against Him, against our spouse, and against ourselves. Don’t!
- Spiritual Adultery
We also can give ourselves away to relationships, causes, hobbies and addictions that drain the life out of our marriage. Let’s briefly consider them.
Addictions
We may bring work home too often. We may enjoy television too much. We may spend too much time with our hobbies. We might involve ourselves in too many community activities and causes. If we take a good thing and go after it too hard – to the detriment of our marriage – a course correction may be necessary.
But other addictions are killers, pure toxins. Alcohol, drugs, sexual addictions like pornography all fit this category. Galatians 5:19-21 address all three of these (“witchcraft” actually contains the root word for “pharmacy”, and implies drug usage). We must put each of these aside for the life of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-26.
Approaches
Whew, this has been intense; and perhaps a bit long. But we haven’t yet discussed potential solutions. Here are three recommendations:
Avoid the Exit Ramp
Divorce is rarely a good option. We read that God hates it in Malachi 2 earlier. Jesus tells us in Matthew 19 that we are not to separate the marriage God has brought together. I Corinthians 7 tells us not to separate. Toxic marriages are meant to be remediated, worked on, not deserted. Health and beauty can come. An interesting study was done a few years back, showing that 2/3 of unhappy married adults who stayed in their marriages were happy five years later; while just 24% of those who divorced or separated were happy five years later. We could say much more here; something to think about.
ROCK the Marriage
This is a reminder from last week’s message. Take responsibility for your part in the marriage (which may include confession/repentance, and seeking counseling). Overlook the small things that may mess up your marriage renewal efforts. Confront when necessary, but gently, in love. Kiss, make up, normalize the relationship whenever possible.
Pray, for this is God’s Work
And, finally but most importantly, pray. Marriage change may seem to predominately your work, but ultimately, it’s God’s. Personal development, influencing our spouse, changing our marriages depends upon the moving of His Spirit in our lives.
Let’s pray.
Toxic Marriages & Relationships
PCB’s, or Polychlorinated Biphenyls, were used in the manufacturing of electrical utility equipment, coolants, lubricants, additives, coatings, fluids, sealants, adhesives, paints and other essentials for an industrial nation like the United States. Over time we discovered that they were serious water and soil pollutants that caused cancer and other health problems, and they’ve been banned in the United States since the 1970’s.
Although they still linger in the environment, there are a number of methods to deal with them – incineration, ultrasound, irradiation, release of microbes, chemical processes and others. The methods are often expensive; but then, so is cancer.
And nature can be reclaimed. One of my personal favorite wildlife areas – and a leading birding and hiking spot in Wisconsin – is Nine Springs, an urban wildlife refuge that was once a wastewater area filled with PCB’s. There are environmental success stories that overcome our ability to ignorantly or knowingly poison our environment – as there are success stories of toxic marriages & relationships recovering.
Toxic marriages are relationships that have been poisoned by one or both partners. Today I want to take a biblical and practical look at some of these toxins, then suggest some approaches to help cope with them and remediate – even save – our marriages. These thoughts should also be helpful in other important, close relationships.
Toxins
Toxic Communication
- Manipulating & Controlling
We have God-given needs. As sinners, we often take selfish approaches to fulfill those needs. And, seated across from us, is the perfect person to meet those needs. But they fail to realize the high importance of meeting our needs, because they also struggle with their needs and selfishness. Problems arise. So we learn to manipulate & control our spouse, or at least attempt to.
This manipulation and control may be very subtle, or very obvious. Genesis 3:1-5 shows the first manipulative conversation; Satan got Eve to do what he wanted done. Judges 16 highlights how Delilah used sensuality and controlling words to bring Samson down (read verses 4-22). Some of this may sound familiar. Don’t just blame Delilah here, Samson was using her for his own needs as well.
We become expert in using tone of voice, words, guilt and other approaches to manipulate our spouse. Shame on us! Christ has set them free – they have willing entered the marriage relationship to love, cherish, respect us – and we use them. We need to turn from this!
- Verbal Attacks
Life is frustrating. Frustration leads bitterness, anger, even rage. We feel we must unload on somebody. There they are, sitting near us at the breakfast table. Kaboom!
They may not even have been the source of frustration, but something they said, something they did, some way they looked at us touched the top of the seething caldron, and out it came. Then this one event becomes a pattern. Gradually we wear the spouse – and ourselves – down until our marriage is in the same need of remediation that the wastewater plant/natural area was that I described. Proverbs 27:15-16 describes this colorfully. Colossians 3:19 warns husbands to avoid the trap of harshness, of angry verbal attacks.
- Silent Treatment
This practice may start out honorably. We may choose to not respond hastily or angrily to our spouse. Over time, however, we discover that silence can be as powerful as words. Silence works. The spouse may break down and meet our needs – or he/she might leave us alone – or they may become frustrated as well, giving our anger a perverse pleasure.
Silence in scripture is often a positive – as a spiritual discipline to seek God – as a good response to another’s attack (like Jesus with those who wanted to crucify Him) – but in marriage, it should be used sparingly. Rather, as Ephesians 4:15 encourages, we must speak the truth in love to each other. Not just the truth. Not just love. But both.
Abuse
- Verbal Abuse
This is virtually the same as the verbal attacks we just discussed. I just want us to be aware that sustained, prolonged verbal attacks become abuse, and we injure our spouse in very similar ways, sometimes even more deeply, than physical abuse.
- Physical Abuse
God hates inappropriate violence. Read Genesis 6:11-13 and Malachi 2:14-16. He judged the world through the Genesis flood because they had become so violent in their sinfulness. And, in the classic passage about how much God hates divorce, we see that He hates marital violence as well. If you hit your spouse, either through loss of emotional control or to get them to bend to your wishes, you and your marriage have serious issues with strong legal, relational and religious overtones. A time of confession, repentance, and counseling is absolutely necessary – and perhaps a determined time of separation.
- Sexual Abuse
This area is a bit different. Sexual abuse often occurred in a person’s childhood or teenage years, and causes relational difficulties in the marriage. Sometimes there was premarital rape. If you or your spouse was sexually abused before marriage, please allow me to recommend the book, “Desperate Marriages” by Gary Chapman (same guy who wrote “The Five Love Languages”), and I would recommend Christian counseling as well.
Infidelity
- Physical Adultery
We are bombarded with sexual images in our culture, and there’s no sign of decrease. Television and Internet shows often depict the joys of extra-marital affairs, of discovering someone who meets your needs outside the marriage. Then you meet that someone – and, as depicted in the excellent movie “Fireproof” – you gradually give yourself away.
Stop! That’s a dead end. It’s a spiritual killer. God devotes whole chapters in Proverbs to the destruction that will come, and he warns us in I Corinthians 6 and elsewhere that it will have eternal ramifications. We sin against Him, against our spouse, and against ourselves. Don’t!
- Spiritual Adultery
We also can give ourselves away to relationships, causes, hobbies and addictions that drain the life out of our marriage. Let’s briefly consider them.
Addictions
We may bring work home too often. We may enjoy television too much. We may spend too much time with our hobbies. We might involve ourselves in too many community activities and causes. If we take a good thing and go after it too hard – to the detriment of our marriage – a course correction may be necessary.
But other addictions are killers, pure toxins. Alcohol, drugs, sexual addictions like pornography all fit this category. Galatians 5:19-21 address all three of these (“witchcraft” actually contains the root word for “pharmacy”, and implies drug usage). We must put each of these aside for the life of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-26.
Approaches
Whew, this has been intense; and perhaps a bit long. But we haven’t yet discussed potential solutions. Here are three recommendations:
Avoid the Exit Ramp
Divorce is rarely a good option. We read that God hates it in Malachi 2 earlier. Jesus tells us in Matthew 19 that we are not to separate the marriage God has brought together. I Corinthians 7 tells us not to separate. Toxic marriages are meant to be remediated, worked on, not deserted. Health and beauty can come. An interesting study was done a few years back, showing that 2/3 of unhappy married adults who stayed in their marriages were happy five years later; while just 24% of those who divorced or separated were happy five years later. We could say much more here; something to think about.
ROCK the Marriage
This is a reminder from last week’s message. Take responsibility for your part in the marriage (which may include confession/repentance, and seeking counseling). Overlook the small things that may mess up your marriage renewal efforts. Confront when necessary, but gently, in love. Kiss, make up, normalize the relationship whenever possible.
Pray, for this is God’s Work
And, finally but most importantly, pray. Marriage change may seem to predominately your work, but ultimately, it’s God’s. Personal development, influencing our spouse, changing our marriages depends upon the moving of His Spirit in our lives.
Let’s pray.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Weather
Does anyone know the degree of weather forecasting accuracy?
Many years ago the Director of Statistics at Oscar Mayer told me it was in the low 50's percentage wise, just about the same as a coin flip.
We have had so many different forecasts about this (now beginning) storm, that I am at a bit of a loss on how to use the information from a planning perspective. Cancel meetings? Go ahead and cause driving problems? Ignore it?
Tomorrow, with Youth and Awana, should be even more of a joy.
Gotta love March.
I'm glad God is in control, for we certainly aren't.
Many years ago the Director of Statistics at Oscar Mayer told me it was in the low 50's percentage wise, just about the same as a coin flip.
We have had so many different forecasts about this (now beginning) storm, that I am at a bit of a loss on how to use the information from a planning perspective. Cancel meetings? Go ahead and cause driving problems? Ignore it?
Tomorrow, with Youth and Awana, should be even more of a joy.
Gotta love March.
I'm glad God is in control, for we certainly aren't.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Marriage & Relationship Reminder
Just a reminder from Sunday: ROCK your marriage!
R - (take) Responsibility
O - Overlook
C - Confront
K - Kiss (forgive, return to normalcy)
R - (take) Responsibility
O - Overlook
C - Confront
K - Kiss (forgive, return to normalcy)
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